Rembau Times calls every seat in Peninsular Malaysia. (Updated)

BREAKING NEWS: NAJIB ANNOUNCES PUBLIC HOLIDAYS ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY IF BN WINS. THE REMBAU TIMES PREDICTED IN LATE APRIL THAT HE WOULD ANNOUNCE HOLIDAYS ON THURSDAY AND FRIDAY – NOT TOO FAR OFF, BUT WE SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR MON OR TUES..AIYAAH. 

OUR VERDICT – HE HIT THE PANIC BUTTON HE HE HE!

On the eve of the Election, The Rembau Times lays its reputation on the line by making its call on every seat in this General Election. Some will be excited, some will mortified – let us now get down to The Rembau Call.

The Rembau Times Call on GE14

A #TsunamiPHitnah Production

PERLIS

PH claws back after conceding a first half goal.

Sleepy, reliable Perlis. The place that always delivered 3-0 victories to BN since time immemorial. BN starts with its usual P001 Padang Besar victory, but this time it comes very late and only after a massive fight by PH. PH however scores 2 important victories, securing P002 and P003 in the Parliament. BN leaders are shocked, but still composed.

KEDAH – Tsunami hits Kedah at 11:56 am. Many BN candidates burried under tonnes of votes. Hotline established  1800 25 25.

In Kedah, BN leaders look and look again. The entire scoreboard is flashing red. PDM after PDM, state seat after seat falls to Pakatan Harapan. In the end, Pakatan Harapan completely decimates BN in the state, leaving Jo Derhaka as the only survivor in Kubang Pasu.  PH scores an amazing  14 – 1 victory. Najib is visibly shocked and many BN leaders slump in their chair. The score is now 16 – 2 in favour of PH.

KELANTAN – Tok Pa finally delivers a strong victory

In Kelantan, Najib sees a ray of hope. The promised advantage of a 3 way contest finally comes BN way as they destroy “the PAS” in their home state.  The score is decidedly in favour of BN with 10 wins. However, Pakatan Harapan scores 4 wins.

TERENGGANU – BN wins, but Pakatan Harapan is not far behind. Hadi loses Marang.

PENANG – A total wipeout for “Old Blue”

In hindsight it was clear why the Penang UMNO chief refused to stand for the election. Hopes are always low when it comes to Penang, but this is ridiculous as Pakatan Harapan steam rolls right through. Only Kepala Batas withstands the Tsunami Rakyat. PH smashes BN 12 – 1 in the Pearl of the Orient. Crowds begin to congregate around Pakatan Harapan HQ (wherever that is going to be). At this point, it suddenly dawns on BN leaders that the game is over. Some enterprising officer places an Interpol Red Notice alert on Jho Low.

PERAK

 Nazri falls in Padang Rengas.

At Perak, Zambry gains one for the home team by winning Lumut, but elsewhere its all light blue, light blue, light blue. PH sweeps through the state, winning it 15-9. The mosquito party delivers a fatal sting to the Tourism Minister.

PAHANG 

In the heart of Najibland, PH earns a high scoring draw.

Pahang – the home state of the Prime Minister. This was supposed to be Najib-land, a place that will remain ‘Old Blue’ regardless of what. Going into the elections, all eyes was on the famous Pahang VIP corridor that stretched from the lakes of Bera to the tea plantations of Cameron Highlands. However, the land is hot and the lava boils up throwing a few VIPs overboard to a political watery grave. The Prime Minister survives – but many other “brave” kleptocrats gave up their political lives defending Putrajaya.

SELANGOR

Selangor is blue, forever blue, only sky blue like Man Citeh

In Selangor, Pakatan Harapan crushes BN 19 to 3. The defeat is total and massive. Noh Omar says he will need 5 more years.

WILAYAH PERSEKETUAN

Putrajaya misti dipertahankan.

Everywhere else can go and die!

NEGERI SEMBILAN

In Negeri, Pakatan Harapan improves and claims a historic victory in Jempol. In the end its an action packed 4-4 draw. Khairy survives in Rembau but his majority is cut to 1,500 votes.

MELAKA

Melaka fights back to stem the #TsunamiPHitnah. They make a brave defense but PHitnahers has messed big with Melaka. Final score 3 – 3, one senior BN politician is stretchered off after receiving a career threatening tackle from behind. SPR Referee orders the  offenders face painted over.

(Warning : Graphic content with extreme violence. Dedak eaters may be offended.)

FORTRESS JOHOR

Leading into the campaign, the talk in Johor by the BN supporters was very bullish. They said even Tan Sri Muhiyiddin may not survive in Pagoh. However, PH superior tactics allowed them to seize key strongholds in the state as they swept along the North South Highways and its surrounding districts. They however refused to pay toll along the way.

PH can now form a Federal Government , and many classes spring up teaching people how to ‘cry crocodile tears.’ In Petra Jaya, the white haired one (‘Pek Moh’) reaches for his phone to place a call to congratulate an old friend….

Not just news, not even fake news, just tomorrow’s news today.

This has been a TsunamiPHitnah production.